With the end of summer here and the wonderful beginning of autumn, the season change brings many mixed emotions for me.
August is the month of my father's birthday and also the anniversary of his death. I feel those days so intensely now that this disease has made its presence known in my own body.
What I wouldn't give to have 1 day to sit beside him?
I am not sure that I would ask him about his disease or even what body part failed him first or what path it took... I think I would ask him what he would have done differently.... Tell him all the things that I could have used his guidance on.
Laugh with him.
You know sometimes, it's the small things that really hit me the hardest; like I don't know what my father's laugh sounded like. He had spent so much time in the hospital and was trached (the hole in your throat) for most of my life and what time I spent with him, that he would slap his knee and kinda move back and forth in his chair to emphasize his laughter. (The reason his trach matters is physically speaking, he would have had to plug the hole with his finger to prevent the air from escaping through it in order for the air to move through his vocal cords to enable an actual sound of laughter).
But my husband and I chose to get married in the month of August because we thought we needed to add some positivity to the month. It was just too much sadness for one person to carry, so this past August we celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.
September has always been fun for me as it has my birthday- woohoo!- and the seasons start to change. From the warm and humid to the cool and crisp accompanied by the colorful fall foliage just makes my soul feel at home.
However, since I was diagnosed, my birthday makes me wonder what the next year brings. What abilities will I have this time next year? Will I still walk without assistance? Get up from a chair without someone lifting me? Continue to work in a career that I have loved my entire life? Or will my body tell me I am just kidding myself? Will the memories we all think we have time to make only become one I can dream of? Will progress be made that can slow this disease? Will any answers have become clear? Any solutions or ideas?
And then I look at my children who keep me on my toes, both mentally and physically, and realize that they deserve a mom who will embrace life to the best of her ability, no matter what device gets me there. My husband deserves a wife who he can enjoy life with, no matter how many times he has to carry me to get there. My parents deserve a daughter who exemplifies the fighting- never give up- have your down days but dust your jeans off and get back up- spirit that they tirelessly fought to teach me. A sister who is going to grow old to tease my brother as siblings are supposed to. A friend who will smuggle your favorite alcoholic beverage into your nursing home so we can celebrate our 50 years of friendship.
So yes... it appears that with all things in life, no matter what you have going on, it seems like there is double edged sword ready... waiting around the corner.
Unless you choose to grab it by the handle.